Atheist to Mormon: My Faith Journey
Today marks my one year anniversary since my baptism into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormon church). I cannot believe how quickly this year has flown by!
In commemoration of this day, I'd like to share my faith journey and what brought me to the Mormon church.
I grew up in what I like to call a "secular household." My family didn't attend church services or really talk about religion at all. I quickly developed an awareness of God and Christianity even as a young child, but I still didn't go to church or really understand Jesus. By middle school I started "rebelling" and described myself an atheist. That phase really didn't last long at all, I think I just wanted to seem cool and unique?
Anyway, it didn't take long before I started embracing my spirituality. A deep love of dance and music often elicited spiritual feelings in me. That along with encountering new lows in middle school (my depression really kicked in around this time) combined in such a way that set me off on a spiritual journey. I would research religions all the time and was so curious about all different types of faiths. I briefly attended a Universalist Church and at another point I was deeply interested in the Bahai faith. My spirituality was continually fed and nurtured and yet nothing was quite sticking for me.
Luckily, in high school one of my best friends let me attend church with her. It was there that I first came to understand who Jesus really was and what he did for so many people. At that point, there was no going back. I craved his forgiveness and atonement and I felt in my bones his love for us. I continued to attend church, but I still didn't quite feel at home.
Another best friend of mine was Mormon. I had become vaguely interested in mormonism during my "church shopping" period after I had come across a blogger who happened to be Mormon. What drew me to her and her faith was a focus on family and love. This friend of mine was possibly the least judgmental friend I've ever had. At this time in my life, I was judging myself so aggressively I thought I might be at a point of no return. I had descended to new lows emotionally and in choices I had begun making. I really didn't think I could climb out of it. (Read about that here.) But this friend never judged me. She cherished my desire for righteousness and my celebration of love and hope. She invited me to attend church and seminary (basically an early morning, Sunday-school-type class) with her. Neither visit left me with any intense impressions, but I was increasingly more taken with the spirit and light I noticed Mormon families had about them.
I continued researching mormonism and would go to my friend with questions. Some things she would answer and others she would refer me to her church friend guy who would clarify or add to what she had taught me. This guy turned out to be Nick. As you know, Nick and I were already friends (thnx middle school emails). What started out as a very superficial friendship soon became deeper as we had spiritual conversations that arose from my questions to him. I learned about the Plan of Salvation and the central role families play in God's plan. I was super interested, but there was still a bit of a roadblock for me. I remember saying to my mom "I love the way Mormons act and behave and I love how important family is for them, but their origins are just so kooky." Some of the origins of the church might not seem any less kooky to me now (or many other life-long mormons!), but what I've figured out is that the light that was drawing me to Mormon families and individuals was because of the light of Christ that they emanated so clearly and brightly. The role of the gospel of Jesus Christ in their lives was clear and I was lucky enough to come across their light.
So as you know, Nick gave me a Book of Mormon before he left for his mission to Idaho. I was really touched by the gesture and I started to read it, but it didn't take long before it was just another book on my shelf. I left for college and something about that book called to me, so I brought it along. I never cracked it open during my first two college years, but something about it called out to me. My early years of college continued in the same vain my high school career had followed, but eventually I got sick of it. I got sick of an inauthentic lifestyle and I got sick of myself. I was tired of declaring myself a devoted follower of Christ and then giving up and reverting to my old ways. This felt like a cycle that wouldn't end. Then I made a decision to more fully follow Christ.
Nick came back from his mission and really helped me on my spiritual journey. Not once did he push me to read the Book of Mormon or to attend church, but he pushed me so much in developing my relationship with Christ. Luckily, I had made the decision to become a more devoted follower before he returned. Because of that our relationship as friends deepened even more and our spiritual discussions had more weight and dimension. Nick and I would talk about Jesus and the Church, but only on my terms. We made sure to keep our "relationship" (it was really just as friends at this point) out of it.
I continued my personal study and continued to absolutely, DEVOUR the Book of Mormon. I couldn't get enough of it. I didn't know it then, but now I know the spirit was already testifying to me of its truthfulness. I felt better just reading it. Eventually, despite being very scared as to what the answer might be, I decided to meet with Missionaries. I felt that I was getting serious enough about this church that I should get more information from the horse's mouth. I continued reading and praying and I was very lucky in that my answers came very, very quickly.
Before my second lesson with the Elders (Mormon missionaries), I had a very deep spiritual moment which confirmed to me my suspicions- that I should be baptized. I was sitting in a sorority initiation ironically enough, when the thought of a young Joseph Smith came into my mind. My desire to become involved with the Church up until this point was being held back because of my testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith. I couldn't quite reconcile things I had learned about him previously to fully believe that he was a Prophet. Well this night, the image of Joseph Smith praying to find out about what church to go to came to me. I pictured the boy Joseph Smith (he was only 14 at the time) being visited by Jesus and Heavenly Father. Somehow in that moment everything clicked. The Book of Mormon was true, Joseph Smith had been a prophet of God, and I wanted to be baptized into his Church.
A few weeks later I was baptized by Nick who is now my fiancé and love of my life.
The past year has been my favorite year on Earth so far. I have been happier and have felt more at home than ever before. The amount of love in my life has increased ten-fold.
Lucky for you, I will end my story here. I could tell it in even deeper detail and go further into the present, but this is already quite long and I'm not sure it is interesting enough to merit a longer length! Thanks for your sensitivity to my faith journey! I'd love to hear about yours because I think religion is just so cool and I love to see how so many different religions impact people in such wonderful ways!
Let's chat sometime.
Sam
Stay tuned for my next blog post: I Converted for a Boy.
