The Climb

Strap in because this is going to be a brutally honest blog. It was hard to write, but important to share.

The descent started when I began dating my first boyfriend who I truly thought I loved. I committed to him emotionally and physically because I believed I loved him. That was the first fall. About a year later, depression and anxiety hit me like a mac truck. I had never felt so alone or so hopeless. The darkness was thick and heavy and suffocating. I tried anything and everything to try to feel something beyond the numbness. I had a desire to be reckless in order to wake myself. I started searching for attention in all the wrong places. I found that I wasn't comfortable with the attention I was getting, but instead of reevaluating this desire, I submitted to it and accepted that anything was better than feeling numb.

As I got older and got medicated for my depression and anxiety, I found enough energy to look up from the deep well of darkness and despair and see the light that penetrated the darkness around me; a light that I was scared to embrace because the darkness was so familiar and deceptively comforting. I built a world around myself that I didn't like, but one that I knew how to function in. I was queen of this darkness. I was miserable, but I was queen.

But the light got in and I couldn't hide anymore. Whimpering and weak, I started to climb. The higher I climbed the harder it got. Guilt poured over me as I saw what I was missing all the time in the dark. I was devastated at the time I had lost and what I would never get back.

I climbed for awhile. I really tried. But somewhere along the way I convinced myself I wasn't good enough. I convinced myself I didn't deserve the light. It was easier to let go and fall back into the darkness that I knew so well.

It was different this time. I went off to college and I wasn't alone in the darkness anymore. There were other people down there with me. The loneliness didn't go away, but now I was alone with other people. It felt like everyone around me was partying and drinking and "embracing life the college way." I thought this meant it was okay. My little well I had got lost in so many years ago widened, but as the months went by I still felt empty, I still felt the soul-crushing darkness all around me.

The light was still in my heart, just enough. I was good at picking and choosing the parts of Jesus that served me well. I managed to escape my guilt by telling myself I was forgiven. It was a free pass to keep making the same mistakes. But the guilt only grew. My self-worth dissipated. My will to live was slipping away, even though I didn't know it. It wasn't just my soul that felt dark anymore, the days around me felt darker. They started caving in and I finally realized that the darkness I made my home wasn't my normal. God was pursuing me relentlessly and lovingly even though I was running as fast as I could the other way.

I started climbing again. It hasn't been easy. The depths below me pull me daily, promising ease and familiarity. But God is promising EVERYTHING. Everything. It's taking time.

I'm racked with guilt and pain. It's hard to know how much time I've wasted. Being rejected because of my past, is my biggest fear.

I've found myself reading articles and books by Christian writers looking for someone to tell me its totally okay and that anyone who rejects me because of my past is a turd. But I haven't found one. I came across this article and reading it hurt. The author writes a suggestion for what one should say to his/her fiancé in apology for past digressions. It starts "I failed you. I failed God." Ouch.

I hate reading that truth. I hate thinking that I failed anyone. But the truth is I have. I failed myself, I failed my future husband, and I failed God. The truth is, I screwed up. I've made mistakes. Really bad, awful mistakes. Mistakes I can't take back.

But here's the good news...

JESUS.

Jesus forgives before we even know to ask for forgiveness (and boy have I asked for forgiveness).

I am a child of God, created in His glory and forgiven through His grace.

I am healing. I am in pain, but God is healing.

I am still climbing. The rich depths below me still beckon. After all, letting go of the ladder is far easier than climbing.

The higher I climb, the more grateful I am for the first step I took. There was never a promise of an easy life or an easy climb to heaven, but there is one certainty and that is the love and the light of God and the inevitability of His pursuit of you. In all your mess, your mistakes, your regrets, your disbelief. God is pursuing you relentlessly. Submit to his pursuit. Accept that healing is hard work. Let yourself be loved and love in return.

Here's wishing a difficult, fulfilling, painful, healing, wonderful ascent.

You do not have to climb alone.

Sam