Being Engaged & 2,000 Miles Apart (Tips and Tricks for the Long Distance Couple)
As Nick and my time apart comes to a close, I can't help but feel a little nostalgic about the journey we've been on. Nick and I got engaged on August 14, 2017. It's been almost nine months now and we have just one to go. We have lived in separate states for our entire relationship (don't worry we met in person… okay technically email… but that's another story) and in a few short days that will come to an end forever!
Long distance is hard. There is absolutely no denying it. But guess what? All relationships are. I believe our time apart has been absolutely essential for us and our relationship and I'm so grateful that we were separate! This of course isn't the case for everyone, but I want to share the ups and downs of long distance dating as experienced by us relationship experts (…..that's a joke). In the following post Nick and I will both share our tips for maintaining a healthy long distance relationship!
FROM SAM:
1. HAVE AN END IN SIGHT
I love Nick with my whole heart, but if our long distance relationship didn't have an expiration date, life would have been too hard to handle. Some couples may not have a choice and in some cases staying together without an end in sight might be the right choice. Otherwise, work very hard to establish a point in time that you two will be together again. What kept us going was knowing marriage would bring us together (literally!)
2. BREAK THE ENTIRETY OF YOUR DISTANCE INTO MANAGEABLE CHUNKS
Nick and I were lucky enough to get to see each other every 4-6 weeks. Usually we alternated visiting one another or we'd meet on holidays when we went home to see our families. Before our engagement, I made a paper chain counting down everyday until our super long distance would be over (Nick moved to D.C. a few months ago- it's still distance, but so much more manageable). The time was still so long that taking each day off didn't feel like it was making a differnce so I used different colored paper for each section of time. For example, in the picture on the left you can see the beginning of the chain was in blue. It would stay blue until, say, we had Thanksgiving-then the chain would continue but the color would change. Each "peak" of the chain also represented each point at which we would see each other. The visual representation helped so much for me. I'm a countdown kind of girl and it was so so cool to watch this chain-which took up my ENTIRE wall, shrink to nothing!
3. DECIDE EARLY- IS IT WORTH IT?
Nick is my best friend and luckily I knew that very quickly. It was easy for us to decide that the heartache and difficulty of being apart was definitely worth it for the long run. When we decided we wanted to get married in the temple, that helped even more. Suddenly we had an eternal perspective. We knew we wanted eternity together and that a few difficult months would be well worth it.
4. MAKE THE MOST OF IT
Nick always says he thinks there are four important parts to any relationship: the spiritual, the intellectual, the physical, and the emotional. In my experience the first thing couples seem to work on is their physical relationship (and yes you can build a physical relationship without even coming close to breaking the law of Chastity.) There is so much emphasis placed on the little things at the beginning of relationship like holding hands or the first time he puts his arm around you. Nick and I didn't have a relationship like that because we couldn't. But what we couldn't build physically, we built spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually. We learned SO much about each other in ways that I don't think would have been possible if we were together. We worked hard to set aside time for FaceTime dates where we couldn't cuddle or watch a movie, we could only talk. So we did! Sometimes we just laughed and joked around, sometimes we shared deeply personal things, and sometimes we dove into the gospel. Our relationship grew so strong so quickly because we focused on things that are harder to do in non-distance relationships
5. INDIVIDUAL GROWTH
There are many reasons why I think our distance relationship was part of the Lord's plan. The largest one for me I think, was that I could develop my testimony of our church on my own. I really needed the assurance that my testimony of the gospel was not based on or related to Nick and I wanted to prove to myself that if Nick and I weren't together, I would still be in the Church. I was able to grow more confident in my personal studies and now I feel going into marriage I will be able to maintain my independence spiritually while gaining the added benefit of family scripture study and prayer.
FROM NICK:
1. DON'T OVER-DO IT
One of the great things of long-distance is that get to know the other person really well because all you can do is talk. But in real relationships you don't talk 24/7. There comes a point when you have to take a break. A lot of times we would FaceTime and just be together, but without the pressure of having conversation. We'd do homework together and mute the other person, but it was nice to still "be together."
2. SEE EACH OTHER AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
It's really easy to develop a long-distance personality. We became comfortable with each other over the phone. We got to know each other really well, but in a weird environment. Luckily, everything clicked when we reunited in person, but it was important to remember that we are different over the phone than we are in person. Lots of times we would realize little things about the other person that would annoy us, but it wasn't really them, it was just these weird phone personality quirks we developed. The more you can see one another the easier it is to put those things in perspective, see how the other person acts in real life, and not to get too adjusted to a relationship that is purely virtual.
3. COMMIT TO SACRIFICING
There will be times when your friends will want to hang out, but you haven't gotten to spend time with your person for awhile and you need to dedicate time to them. It feels awkward and to try to call them while you're with your friends and it even feels rude. You and your friends might have a hard time adjusting to this (sometimes I was afraid they thought I didn’t like hanging out with them anymore) but long-distance is a time commitment. You have to put in the work. There's not much advice that goes along with this, but it's a necessity of the deal. If you're not willing to sacrifice it won't work.
*Sam Edit: sacrifice is a normal part of any relationship! This is definitely a different version of it, but it's important to recognize that no healthy relationship comes without it.
Here's adios to the hardest, most-rewarding part of our lives so far!
Nick&Sam
